During a recent workshop, held for the Council of a small village, a young leader related the story of a community member who was always critical, harsh and abusive towards elected leaders and staff members. No one could ever live up to his expectations, and he always treated others as if they were malicious and incompetent. He was consistently loud and condescending. As a result, people tried to avoid him as much as they could. The young leader wondered what advice I might offer for dealing with such a "toxic individual."

Before I could reply, another individual interrupted and related her story. She told us how she had decided one day to listen to the above "toxic individual" intently. Instead of being distracted by his harsh manner, she asked him clarifying questions, until his concerns were fully aired. At the end of the conversation, she articulated his concerns: "Let me see if I understand. You don't like the fact that ___, and you prefer that we do these things: ____, because you believe that ___. Did I get it right?" After she received the nod, she said: "Thank you very much for your input. It was very helpful. By the way, can I give you some feedback? You have such valuable insights to share and have taught me so much just now. It's too bad that your valuable message sometimes gets lost in your delivery."

Her story offers several important lessons.

The first lesson is for those who need to communicate tough messages: Make it easy for others to listen and learn from your wisdom and knowledge. Create a safe environment that enables learning, objectivity and knowledge-based decisions. Prevent your delivery from interfering with your message. Use a tone that shows respect to others, even if they have given you reasons to not respect their actions. Do what's needed to help people consider your message for its objective validity and merit, rather than being bullied by an angry, emotional and intimidating tone. Being respectful, displaying objectivity, and maintaining a safe environment are essential to quality communications and effective decision-making. Remember the phrase: "Strong and harsh words mean a weak cause."

The second lesson is for those who encounter bullying and emotional intensity: Listen to the core messages, without being distracted by the harsh delivery. Do not become instinctively dismissive of someone whose communication style is aggressive. Keep in mind that, within the emotional content, there may be some hidden "gems" that you can learn from. Conversely, do not allow yourself to be bullied into taking certain actions only because doing otherwise will make someone angry. Finally, see if you can find an opening to give feedback to the individual, suggesting he or she might achieve more with a softer and more respectful style.

Harsh deliveries should be given special consideration in large meetings which deal with tough issues. Personal attacks are often on display in such meetings, but should never be tolerated. For example, if an unhappy community member attacks the integrity and professionalism of a staff member during an annual general meeting, this amounts to public abuse and harassment. The staff member, if not provided with an opportunity of defense, may become demoralized. Worse yet, he or she may quit, or may even take action against the organization for failing to protect him or her from abuse in public. So don't hesitate to set the stage for a meeting (especially when you expect trouble), by indicating that disrespectful remarks and disruptive behaviours will not be tolerated.

Good luck.